corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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