The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
