well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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