I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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