Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
