Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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