is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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