i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.