I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
