dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
