watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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