You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
