Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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