so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
