I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
