I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Randomize
