Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
