Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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