I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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