he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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