Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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