my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
