God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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