He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
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I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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