Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
