I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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