Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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