at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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