Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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