I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
