mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
