i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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