Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
he laminated a picture of his dick.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
