Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
