I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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