We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
