so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
