Is it because I queefed?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
