I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
