put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
And then my night got REAL pukey
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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