i think i have two assholes
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
