The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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