i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
did i walk over a car last night?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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