You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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