seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
