I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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