I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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