You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
it's like iHOP with fire
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
