You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
