Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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