does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
