so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
