These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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